Of Black Roses and Dead Leaves

You conceive an idea and flesh it out. Then it consumes you so bad that you wonder if it will be worth it in the end.

All good things happen at once. Then you can’t figure out if it’s a blessing, a test in disguise, karma or is it Allah giving you free reigns before tightening the rope on you?

Wish someone would tell you it is okay to use pirated windows.

You wonder if you’re reaping any rewards doing Da’wah on pirated software.

You look at your posts and think if they changed anyone’s life in the slightest. Then you look at your state of faith and it says “meh”.

That internal monologue when you list down the 100 things that make you a hypocrite.

You send yourself to a rehab in mid-season break. Then start on another TV series.

Or you don’t start another series but obsess with the next season updates anyway.

When you make a list of minor sins but can’t think of any because you no longer consider them sins anymore.

You look back and ask yourself who you really did that for.

You visualize your deeds turning to dust.

Away from a particular sin for quite some time and you sense a relapse coming.

You realize that every good you do is followed by a sin.

That you haven’t made a long qiyaam in a long while. And your heart beats to the devil’s dance.

You realize that you are still an arrogant fool.

And that no one recognizes you as intimately as your flaws.


4 thoughts on “Of Black Roses and Dead Leaves

  1. wandpen says:

    This post resonated with me on the personal level of my own convoluted thought processes. I think, in the struggle to tame our nafs, we all go through the same self judgements.

    Jazakumullah khair. I know I’m not alone 🙂

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