Okay, so life is looking up now. It’s getting better. Everything’s just good. Well, that’s putting it mildly. Everything’s just awesome. That’s a word I hardly ever use with my own existence. But oddly enough, I find this awesomeness unsettling. Often I find myself wondering if this sudden descent of good luck is a reward, a test, or Allah loosening the rope on me? Or a reward for this life only, because my intentions got corrupted along the way? That I’ll wake up to find no share in the hereafter? That’s a lot of questions. I don’t know if this is my guilty conscience talking, or a warning bell ringing lest I go overboard. I can’t tell if all that I’ve done so far was for Allah alone, or for some petty reasons and neither can I guarantee that my thoughts didn’t take a trip to vanity lane. I’ve been there and back- guilty as charged.
وَإِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ فَٱرۡغَب (٨)
And to your Lord (Alone) turn (all your) intentions and hopes. (94:8)
Intention- I’ve seen nothing that’s more prone to corruption than this affair of the heart. If pure, can make your smallest of deeds a saving grace to tip the scales in your favour. And when faked, can bring utter humiliation and doom on the Standing. For what can be worse than to see your hard-done deeds go up in smoke on D.Day? All because you did them for a bit of limelight in the world. And Allah’s verdict would stand justified when He’ll remind us that we got our share of it while the world lasted but none in the afterlife ’cause we never invested in it. We just didn’t do it for Him. And it’s not going to get any better if you console yourself that you did it for both, people and God. The Almighty will certainly not stand it if we dare bring people on equal footing with Him. And mighty unfair that would be too. Serving one but expecting a return from the other.
It’s like at every step I have to ask myself- who am I serving really? My own ego, the people around me or Allah? And though I keep checking back, I still can not be sure if I nailed it. There is this constant fear of rejection. For a split second, intentions always go awry. A million thoughts race on and a million others frantically try to override them. And when the task is done, I wonder who won. Who had the last word? If my doing got accepted or not… If it’s some good I did, I worry if I ruined it by mentioning it to the next person. My intention was to inspire her. Was it really? Was a small part of me craving for some approval? Was that thought “unintentional” or on “default”?
In the end, it’s always this- “God, I hope I didn’t mess up.”
Fear and hope sure make a restless combo… Fear and hope- may we all live with the feeling and be humbled… always.