Alas! they had been friends in youth:
But whispering tongues can poison truth;
And constancy lives in realms above;
And life is thorny; and youth is vain;
And to be wroth with one we love,
Doth work like madness in the brain;
They say something hurtful. It stings. Pain comes first- it’s like a venom seeping in, taking over your senses. Next comes grudge. It’s when you’re writhing in that pain “but waiting for the other person to die”. Noone can see the gashes on your soul but you, and you like to believe that they will heal with time. Like with every other wound, a scab forms over this one too. A scab of grudges, woven intricately in a way so delicate that it still hurts when prodded. And you think you’ve moved on but you haven’t. The pain is still there, and the wound takes a form so ugly covered by hard feelings- that it gives way to not a new beginning but a scar. A scar etched amongst the many others on the canvas you’re painting your story on. A reminder of painful memories, messes and mistakes. And it’s no wonder that they never leave you. You feel shadowed by them. And in some cases, they even catch up with you in your dreams.
And this is how we go about. We choose the wrong remedy when healing pain and trauma. And grudge is not the solution. It may be gratifying- the many imaginative conversations we have in our heads, with us getting an upperhand in the end, or killing this person a million times over or telling him exactly what a lowlife we think he is or talking bad about him to others… but at the end of the day, the hurt is still there. And the person is there too. Unscathed.
So what might the solution be? I’ve lately been going through this phase- playing hardball with complicated emotions that belong to this “pain” family. I came cross an amazing short video and found my answer there. And it’s this video that inspired this post. I have a lot to write on this. But for now, this will do. More will follow insha Allah and will hopefully explain my mentioning Coleridge poetry too. 🙂
Do watch this 10-minute talk.