It’s been more than a month since I last posted. My longest ever. And I still feel alien. If you’ve ever felt like having the life sucked out of you, soul-less, lost and disoriented for reasons you can’t really explain to anyone- then this is where I’ve been lingering for a while now. To the zombie land and back. Well, not totally back. I’m still stuck half in the pit and struggling. And the soul wounded with gashes that time alone will heal. God only knows of the turmoil that had raged inside. The scars of which got etched on the physical being, then the world wonders if everything is all right. A battle between lust and conscience- and when you find yourself losing it, the weight of it sinks you down. So it has been like that lately.
But as long as conscience lives, the war is not lost. I’m stirring from the blow- looking around at the wreckage rendered by the hellstorm of misery that had crashed inside. And pulling myself back together again. Of course, you can’t just do that- tell yourself to get over it and watch it happen.
قُلۡ إِنَّمَآ أَعِظُكُم بِوَٲحِدَةٍۖ أَن تَقُومُواْ لِلَّهِ
“Say, I exhort you to one thing, that you rise up to God…” [34:46]
It begins when you give up to the circumstances. Surrender to your own weaknesses and stop pretending that you’ve got it under control. That it’s all fine when you could hear the alarm bells tolling from the very beginning. You go down on your knees and wring your heart out to the All-Knowing. Any befallen calamity that makes you turn to Him is a sign that He doesn’t want you straying in the dark alleys. He pulls you back to the ground. “And the ground is where humility lives. Breathe in it. Only to come back harder.” And that’s when you rise. The soul awakens. Repentance only makes it stronger. And free from the shadows that had been gnawing at it from the inside.