We all have dark secrets. We all have emotional turmoils raging inside. It’s like everyday we’re fighting these great battles in total silence. And sometimes it gets kind of hard to keep it all buried deep down- you have this strong urge to let it all out. And there’s always this one person in your life who you turn to, who understands and who’s always there.
I lost myself a few days back. I’ve been spinning in a twilight zone- between what is right and what I like. At dusk, everyday, I would look up at the sky, look back at another day I wasted- I would shake my head, sigh and would silently tell myself to start over the next day. That next day never came easily. I’ve been looking for a way out all along- to end the guilt that was weighing me down. My will had weakened, my vision fogged up, and that drive to choose the right over wrong was fading away. I did not know who to turn to. I did not know who to talk it out with. A part of me was scared. I definitely did not want to go back to my old days robbed of reason and conscience. And a part of me had this lay-it-back-and-let-it-be attitude…enjoy the moment, make amends later. Oh, Satan’s sweet whispers…
وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُواْ لِى وَلْيُؤْمِنُواْ بِى لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ
“And when My servants ask you, (O Muhammad), concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me (by obedience) and believe in Me that they may be (rightly) guided.” [Al-Baqarah, 2:186]
This is how I found my way back home. And it wasn’t my soul-person who I turned to. I’ve always found this a bit overrated though. I mean, it’s really nice to have a particular someone to share your vibes with- but no one can always be there for you. No one can always read you right. You just cannot share everything with this one person. There are certain things you’ve bottled up inside yourself, things you cannot tell but you need them to be sorted out. So pray. Pour your heart out- the guilt, the anguish, the fear…let it all out. Let your heavy heart pull you down to prostration. And believe that Allah (swt) is watching over you. Believe that He has the power to set things straight. Stay obedient to Him and you’ll be guided right- you’ll know what to do.